You don't know if these are designated the same as in the UK, do you?
The way they're numbered, according to lead size?
Is the numbering system for pencils universal?
- We would have no way of knowing that. - No.
Well, it looks like it could be. I think I'll assume it is.
Is your paper in individual sheets or just in the pads?
What?
I'll hang on to those while you look around.
Right.
Doesn't seem to mention acid content. It usually says whether it's acid-free or not.
All paper in this country is acid-free.
- Really? - That's how it goes.
Guess it's true what they say about how far ahead you Americans are.
That's wonderful.
- You with an art group? - No, just on my own.
On some kind of personal tour, then?
No.
But you're an artist, right? You're not a tourist?
Harold here is just trying to find out your purpose in bein' here.
- My purpose? - He won't be happy till you tell him.
I've always wanted to visit your fine country.
I hope I have enough American money for all this.
It's the only kind we accept.
$48 - that's more than enough, isn't it?
- You OK? - Sorry. I just need some...
- Coloured pastels? - Sleep.
- For your landscapes? - I don't do landscapes, just portraits.
You've come all the way from England, in the fall, with all our beautiful foliage,
to draw faces?
This comes to... Look at that. $48 exactly.
- You wouldn't know of a good hotel? - Joanie Fisher usually has rooms.
Now her husband - there's a face that'll move you on to doin' landscapes.
Battlefield Inn. Straight up that street.
You want to draw a portrait of Fisher?
- I was just told that his face looked... - His face looks like road kill.
- But you will ask him? - I can't wait.
There you go, Mr Ware. Room 11. One of our best.
It's up the stairs on the left.
Mr Ware, do you have urgent business to attend to this mornin'?
Why don't you get a few hours' sleep?
Just tell me what time you wanna wake up and I'll hold all your calls.
There won't be any calls. I don't know anyone here.
- Maybe a call from England. - Nobody in England knows I'm here.
Oh, God.
Sorry. I didn't know jet lag could be like this. I've never had my hair hurt before.
Oh, Mr Ware.
I don't like to see one of our guests so gloomy.
Why don't you help yourself to a local-interest brochure?
You might find something to pick you up,
give you a little memory or two to take back to England.
- It's memories that I came here to forget. - Memories?
- Of something, or someone? - Oh, God...
A woman.
An English woman?
Welsh. Well, half-Welsh.
- Half-Welsh and half...? - Monster.
- My, we are in a bad way. - What's the bloody point?
The point is, Mr Ware, you're our guest here,
and part of our job is to do everything in our power
to ensure our guests enjoy themselves.
And if that means one of 'em has to talk an ex-girlfriend out of their system...
Joanie Fisher speaking.
...then so be it.
Hi, Mandy. How are you?
Mandy, I just have a small incident to attend to in the lobby.
A dog? No.
No, that's just one of our friends from England.
I'll call you right back.
So listen, while you're asleep I'm gonna call my friend Mandy, get her to come over.
She is a trained caregiver.
Oh, God, no. Really, it's fine...
Mandy's wonderful with people,
and she's a first-hand authority on broken relationships.
She'd just love a psychological challenge on this scale.
- Here we go. - I don't think I need...
Here we go, Room 11, Mr Ware.
Here. This'll help you sleep.
- I don't take prescription... - You do now.
Swallow.
Now, you OK to get yourself to bed?
I'll speak to Fisher about your suggestion and we'll see you later, OK?
On some kind of personal tour, then?
To draw faces?
Will you do something for me?
I don't want you to talk, I just... I want you to think.
I want you to think of the most peaceful place you've ever been.
If you're willing to do that, then just nod.
You're the caregiver.
I want you to make it a place that's so beautiful and so peaceful
that one day you'd like to go back there and stay a long time.
- If you really think... - I don't want you to talk. Just nod.
I want you to make it a place that's beyond time and space itself.
Are you doing that?
You're not doing that? Why not?
Why not?
- You can talk to tell me that. - Oh, sorry.
Sorry, what does that mean, "beyond time and space"?
- You don't know what that means? - No. It's a concept of which...
Don't worry about the concept. Just think of a beautiful, peaceful place.
Do you wanna tell me what it is?
It's a beach.
- What kind of beach? - Sort of a sandy one.
Where is this sandy beach?
- The Canaries. - The what?
The Canary Islands. Vera and I got a cheap deal.
Vera being the person that you came here to forget?
Maybe it's better not to choose a place you went with her.
Try thinking of the most peaceful place that you've ever been without Vera.
Everywhere I've been, I've been with Vera.
There must be somewhere where Vera wasn't with you.
- Do you wanna tell me where it is? - A room.
And are you at peace in this room?
Is it a quiet, tranquil room?
Do you wanna stay there for ever and ever?
And there's no Vera?
Colin, there's no Vera?
Sorry.
Listen, you've really helped,
but I think this is about as peaceful as I'm going to get for now.
OK. I'll go.
But can I just ask you a question?
Most people, when they go through a break-up,
they go through a state of shock and they get depressed and they wanna be alone.
I know I did. But they don't usually fly to the other side of the world.
- You and Vera must've been really close. - I was on her mailing list.
"Mr and Mrs Keith Edwards request the pleasure of your company
at the marriage of their daughter Vera Samantha to Mr Roger Pelham."
You know this Roger Pelham?
First I've heard of him, marrying my fiancée.
Vera was your fiancée?
I can see why you'd wanna leave London, but why come here?
- It's none of my business... - No, not at all.
A person has a right to know why someone's in their town.
- They seem to here, anyway. - No, no, I should go.
It was the name, really.
Maybe I got you wrong.
Maybe, instead of an emotional voyage, what you need is a bodily one.
Maybe, instead of asking you to imagine a beautiful place,
I should take you there physically.
Have you heard of our Spring Gardens?
I'm free now and I can take you. My car's outside. But only if you want to.
That's very kind, but I think I'm meeting up with Mr Fisher shortly.
You know, it's the guys that don't think they need help that need help the most.
You put me in that category?
A guy who flew to another country just to cry in a motel room
in a town that he only chose cos it's called Hope...
Yeah, I put you in that category.
- What about tomorrow? - Cool.
Cool.
- Pick me up at about ten? - Sure.
- Splendid. - Splendid.
How do I look?
You have a naturally dramatic face, Mr Fisher.
And hopefully, if this works out, I'll be able to emphasise that quality even more.
Dramatic, eh?
Now, is that a position that you can hold for 30 minutes or so?
I can do that.
If you'd like to put your hands on your lap, once you've finished your...
- Are we allowed to talk? - Yup, we can talk. Calmly.
Mandy told Joanie, who told Tina, who told me, what happened in your homeland.
- Sorry, could you tip your head...? - Sorry.
Maybe not quite that much.
If you just keep your eyes on a fixed point, sometimes that way your head stays still.
Listen, my friend, once the pain wears off, I'm tellin' ya,
you'll be a better and stronger man than if it never happened at all.
- If it ever does wear off. - Sure it does.
That's the one good thing about pain, it wears off.
You know, I was having a think earlier.
About six months ago, she took up yoga.
She joined a local club, and it made her happy.
I remember thinking "How can yoga make anyone that happy?"
And especially so when the swami started one-partner exercises.
- Swami? - Yes, the swami.
He'd pair them off and they'd all sit on the floor, back-to-back with locked arms,
and they'd pull against each other and chant things.
Chanting? Oh, boy.
And I was just thinking maybe that was it. They were all paired off,
and that was the moment, when maybe I lost her.
Cos maybe the guy that she was paired off with was this Roger Pelham.
- Colin, would you like a cup of tea? - No, I'm fine, thanks.
Fisher?
I can't turn my head. I'll have to talk to you later.
Should that shadow be coming down over Fisher's mouth like that?
It's dramatic, Joanie.
Fisher has such fine lips. I hope they'll show.
They'll be shown to full effect, Mrs Fisher. Just as soon as we lose that mayonnaise.
I think it's OK to call me Joanie now.
Joanie, let the man work.
So, Roger Pelham?
I was just thinking of all those times when I picked her up
and I'd sit in the car waiting for her to come out of the club, watching them come out...
Just trying to remember what they all looked like, because...
Well, one of the men I used to see would've been...
Did they have a kind of glazed expression?
Could they be described as "transfixed"?
See, from what you're sayin' - delirium and swamis, chants, glazed expressions -
I hate to say it, my friend, but I think you have lost your good woman to a cult.
Colin?
Joanie!
Colin, all you have any business thinkin' about at this point is movin' on.
Maybe folks in England sit around chewin' on the past,
but over here that ain't done much.
Before you get out, can I just say something?
Of course.
Excuse me, I just need a little...
- Do you want some? - Not this morning, thanks.
You're gonna have to drive us back. You can drive, right?
On the left I can, but I'm not very...
Over at the Shining Shores I really feel I'm helping people.
A lot of people never get that feeling...
- Shining Shores? - The rest home where I work. And live.
God, when I was in high school, the things we used to do in there.
Non-botanical things?
Non-botanical things! What-ho, Jeeves!
I'm just wondering if this is the best time for us to be trying to take this in.
You know, if I was back in high school, I'da just thrown this out in the street!
I wouldn'ta cared. Somebody walking over broken glass - like, who gives a shit?
But I'm not like that now. Now I'm responsible and mature and boring.
I'm sorry. It's you that's supposed to be getting the therapy from this.
Listen, Mandy, I think if I drive very, very slowly
we stand a small chance of getting back to the motel alive.
- I'm really sorry about this. - That's OK.
I was just nervous.
- Are we going back to your room? - Sorry?
- I mean I need some coffee. - Right, yes. Of course.
We are, like, hardly moving here.
I think you'll find we're moving.
No, no, Mandy, don't...
No, stop... No, no, don't... Seriously...
Did you do these? It's Fisher. That's incredible.
- He looks almost... - Lifelike?
Handsome.
And she's beautiful. Who is that?
Sorry.
I decided I'm going to put together an exhibition.
Portraits of people in this town. Might take my mind off things.
I know every face in town, so if you need a face-finder, I'm your man.
I'm sure you've got better things to do than to go around looking for faces for me.
- Anyway, coffee. - Are you happy, Colin?
- Generally speaking, yes. - Why are you happy?
Probably because we're not being scraped off the front of a truck.
No coffee for me, thanks. Can I ask you a question?
Cos you seem like you wouldn't get mad at me, no matter what I said or did.
- You wouldn't, would you? - It depends.
I'm gonna do something I've never done before in my whole life.
I'm gonna close the curtains.
- You've never unbuttoned your blouse? - Not for this reason.
I've taken off my clothes for other reasons, obviously, but not for this one.
This one being what, exactly?
When I was little, whenever I got really happy
I got this uncontrollable desire to take off my clothes.
And when I was little I was happy a lot, obviously,
so I'd just take 'em off any old where,
and people would be shocked and I'd get in trouble...
It's funny, but with you I don't even feel self-conscious.
Well, that's good, I think.
This is the first time I've ever stripped for joyfulness with someone else in the room.
And it's wonderful!
Cos when you take off your clothes in private,
you might be expressing your joy,
but you always knew you had to go off by yourself to do it.
So the joy's never quite complete.
- Incomplete joy. - Try it yourself if you want.
It feels wonderful. It has nothing to do with sex, if that's what you're thinking.
No, I wasn't.
Most men would think it did, but I can tell you accept it for what it is.
That's why I feel comfortable enough to do it with you.
Go on. It feels wonderful.
- I might just take some of them off. - Not some of them. All of them.
- I'm just not quite as joyful as you are yet. - You will be once they're off.
I bet you've had sex with your clothes on.
If I have, it was a long time ago.
See? People with their clothes off aren't gonna have sex
any more than people with their clothes on would not have sex.
I think people with their clothes off probably have it more often.
That might be true, but that's not the point.
Although it kinda does seem like we might. Does it seem that way to you?
I feel like it could go either way.
If it does go that way, maybe we should put our clothes back on.
Back on? To have sex?
Because that way we wouldn't risk spoiling the feeling of joy - the innocent kind of joy.
Why take the chance of spoiling that?
Would we take them back off again afterwards?
What?
I'm just asking if, after we had sex - if that's the way it went -
would we take our clothes back off afterwards?
- Don't you wear underwear? - I left home in a hurry.
I'm starting to feel kinda cold.
I guess Joanie and Fisher are trying to save on the heating.
- What are you doing? - I have no idea.
I think I'm stuck between the innocent joy and the other kind.
It's a very strange sensation.
Come in the bed, Colin.
Yes, OK. Maybe that would help.
We're definitely moving towards the non-innocent kind now, aren't we?
That's the thing about the innocent kind - you never know when it'll come or go.
Like right now it's totally gone.
Shouldn't I be keeping my shirt on?
I think you're making all this much more complicated than it needs to be.
Actually, it's all just clicked into place.
- We don't have to talk about it any more? - No. The concept's become crystal clear.
Sorry.
I think there's one part of me that still finds this a bit complicated.
It's probably just the first-date thing.
- You don't have sex on first dates? - I don't have first dates.
King of the world!
Non-innocent kind.
Look, Johnny, my dear old dad wears his tie tucked into his pants all the time.
Is that Colin Ware, renowned British artist?
Come on in, Colin. Webster, this is Colin. Show him.
Don't say anything, let him form his own opinion.
Come on, be brave.
Tell us what you think, Colin.
- It's the cannon, right? - I don't know, you tell us. You tell us.
Looks just fine to you, does it?
It's maybe just a little more flesh-coloured than the original.
We can fix the colour.
He's English. He's too polite to say it.
- Look at it, Colin. What does it look like? - Doug, no one wears a tie tucked in.
Look, Mr Ware, in your opinion does the cannon on this tie in any way resemble a...
- What do they call them over there? - Gee, I don't know.
- A penis? - A penis. A big, huge penis. Thank you.
Thank you. Jury's spoken. Take a chair, Ware.
Now go back and have your people come up with another concept,
not a goddamn Viagra commercial.
God, it is hell being a visionary.
Ware, have you been able to try any of our spring water?
Now, this spring water comes from deeper in the earth than your other spring water,
so it's older water.
Now, you might not think you want older water...
- Sounds like maybe I do. - Oh, yes. Old is good, Colin. Old is good.
So says my mineralogy expert,
and I do not keep Rock-man Ray on the payroll just to yank my chain.
Good, don't you think?
It's a very nice fresh taste. A very nice old fresh taste.
You can taste the old, can't you? Statewide marketing begins next month.
We wanted to call it H2Ope, but we're having a hard time g etting it cleared.
Hope Springs Eternal is the working title right now. Pretty good, don't you think?
So, you have come all the way over here from the land of 007
to draw some pictures of our local people? For some exhibition? You got a name yet?
- Sorry? - A name for the show.
Images of Hope: Birthplace of American Art.
Now that's got a nice ring to it.
Yeah.
But how is Hope the birthplace of American art?
I'm just trying to help. Don't be that way.
So, am I good sitting right here, au naturel?
- Yeah, you're fine. - Right about there?
Yeah.
How about there? Right about there. Is that good, right there?
- That's fine. - How's that?
With the hands up here?
No, too stuffy. Too stuffy. Just like this. Here we go.
Hands down here?
Hands there.
This is fun.
- You just use pencils? - Charcoal, yeah.
That's right, you do all the colouring-in at a later juncture. I moved. Sorry.
- No, I don't paint. - You don't paint?
Young Miss Morton led me to believe I was sitting for a portrait.
- You are. - A pencil portrait?
Could you stop, please, Mr Ware? Thank you.
Look, Colin...
Every day for three years I've had to stare at that monstrosity.
"You can't take down a painting of the most important man in Hope's history", they say.
I say the most important man in our history is sitting right here, staring up at that jerk.
- Who is that? - Some Welsh dick.
- Welsh? - Yeah. The guy who founded this place.
Somebody Edwards.
Doug Reed.
Yeah, look, Brad, this is all I'm saying:
It's the Cannon Ball next week and we have no goddamn merchandise.
Anything. Key-chain replicas, cannon toothbrush holders for kiddies... Come on!
Hey, how about cannon-styled musical toilet seats
that play "Bridge Over Troubled Water" when you take a dump?
Figure it out, Brad! Get to work!
This journal...
- What? - Of 1741.
Yeah? What about it?
It's this paper... You can tell by the grain that's it's contemporary.
I mean, it's a fake.
It's quite a good fake actually, but it just seems to have been done on some...
- Computer program? - Yup, maybe. Or possibly some sort of...
Computer program?
My computer program?
- You can produce fake documents? - Naughty mayor. Naughty, naughty mayor.
So listen, Picasso, are you gonna do me a grown-up painting or not?
Because if you could, I'm telling you, friend,
I'll give you the freedom of the town, the key to the city, you name your pleasure.
I cannot tell you what it would mean to me to have a proper portrait up there
of Doug Reed, the man who gave us Hope, instead of that asshole.
Hello. I'm looking for a friend of mine. Name of Ware.
- Ware? - Ware.
- Ware, you say? - Yes. Colin Ware.
Let me just look and see if we have anyone here by that name
at the inn or not.
Ware... Ware...
Ware...
Room 11. The English guy's in Room 11.
- Room 11. Thanks. - He went out.
- Sorry? - He went out early this morning.
I thought you didn't know who he was.
I remember him now - the artist fella, right?
No, he went out at the crack of dawn with all his artist-fella things.
He's back. He wouldn't let me in his room to clean.
Oh, right. Thank you again for that, Tina.
You must sign the visitors' book.
- Sorry? - All guests must sign the visitors' book.
- Where is it? - Where's what?
The visitors' book.
Tina, what did you do with the visitors' book?
We got a visitors' book?
What the hell. Shall we just forget the formalities on this occasion?
Let's.
Colin, I know I don't exactly deserve the red-carpet treatment,
but after 5,000 miles and 20 hotel reception desks,
I do think that the least you could do is invite me in,
away from the stares of the very eccentric management here.
- How did you know I was here, Vera? - I spoke to Jeremy at the gallery.
He told me how excited he was about this exhibition he's planning
of drawings that you've been doing in America in a place called Hope.
Wow. I can see he has every reason to be.
Aren't you on your honeymoon?
This isn't going to be smooth, Colin.
It's no use pretending that anything we say
will make this anything other than the most awkward moment we've ever had.
No ashtrays. What a surprise.
I think we should do what you always say: Rise above our emotions with maturity.
Good fucking wedding, was it?
I have nothing to say in my defence. I did a terrible thing. A terrible thing.
This is a no-smoking room.
I come halfway across the world to explain and you won't let me have a cigarette?
Explain?
There's no Roger Pelham.
There is no Roger Pelham.
Oh, God.
I was just so sick of dropping hints and you failing to spot them.
Oh, God, no...
We have been engaged for ever. I wanted to jolt you into action. I made a mistake.
- The invitation was a joke? - No, not a joke. It was just a bigger hint.
The last few weeks have been a nightmare, Colin.
I have been at my wits' end since you disappeared.
Day after day without a word - I literally went to pieces.
I was calling everyone, all day, all night.
When Jeremy finally told me you were all right, I can't tell you the relief.
- I just wept solidly for ten minutes. - Ten? I'm touched.
All that held me together was knowing, when this was over,
you and I would have a really good laugh about it.
- Vera... - The thing is, Col...
Please, just go. Go. Please.
But I can't tell you how much... You're not wearing any underpants.
I was a tad preoccupied when I was leaving the flat.
Are you going for a walk? I know how you like to go for a walk when you want to think.
- The last thing I want to do now is think. - If you have to go out, I'll just wait.
Vera, don't wait.
Colin?
- Colin? - What?
What's this?
That's a machine for drying hair, Vera. It's called a hair dryer.
I know what it is, Colin, but you don't use one.
Is this supplied by the motel? Is there one like this in every room? Colin?
- Can't you answer a simple question? - A simple one I could. Just not that one.
What? It was a joke and she's not married and she's here?
It hasn't affected our relationship in any way. She just came to apologise.
- She's going straight back home again. - Is she allergic to the telephone?
Sorry, do you not want sleeping people in your exhibition?
- He is just asleep, isn't he? - Like I'd get you to draw a dead person.
So, are you just gonna forgive her? How could you forgive something like that?
It's the only way. Forgive and forget.
And do your forgiving while you can,
cos when you get to my age all you can do is the...
- The forgetting? - Yeah, that's it. The forgetting.
"My darling Vera..."
"Darling"?
"Dear Vera."
"Vera."
"I know that the cruel joke you played on me was wholly out of character,
and although it hurt me beyond description,
I write now, firstly, to thank you for coming all this way to apologise,
but, more importantly, to tell you..."
To haul your bony ass all the way back again.
"More importantly, to tell you that I forgive you for it 100%."
"As a result of your actions, though,
both our lives have now taken on a new direction."
Resuming our physical relationship would, I believe,
cheapen the plateau of mutual affection that has been born out of this crisis.
Your journey here was much appreciated,
but too much damage has been done for our romance to survive.
- We wish you a pleasant return flight. - "We..."
Goodbye, Vera. Your friend, Colin.
What is it?
I don't know.
Just never seems to work out when I fall in love.
When you fall in what?
What time do you have to be at work?
Soon.
But not that soon.
Are you looking forward to that? You can get all dressed up.
It's not as much fun getting dressed up when you can't do it yourself.
You're gonna look better than the Queen of Hope herself.
- Ready? - Yes.
Before we start, I don't know if Mandy mentioned,
but I'm pretty heavily into the Lord,
and I was just wondering if you could just sort of convey a sort of a...
a feeling of inner happiness.
Something like that, like an inner light.
There's two things I want to come through in the picture. One, that I'm a swimmer.
But two, that I'm also a Christian.
You're sure you'll be all right just standing there, yeah?
Like I say, sir, God blessed me with fabulous circulation.
- Are my goggles straight? - They're perfect.
And, Rob, please, don't call me "sir".
Mandy told me what your fiancée over there in England did to you.
- She's in town, right? - No, she's gone home now.
Satan's amazing, isn't he?
I mean, one minute you're leadin' this ordinary life, everything's normal.
Then vroom! Satan just creeps up behind you and sucks you into a cult.
Rob, I'm just doing your mouth now,
so would you mind just... keeping it closed for a minute?
Oh, God!
Come on, granny.
How could anyone do that?
- What? - You're Vera, right?
How could anyone do something that mean?
- And you are...? - Mandy.
The mean thing I did. I assume you're referring to the game I played on Colin.
- Yeah. - Good.
Now we've established your name and what you're talking about,
could we also establish whether you have a red hair dryer?
A cheap, plastic, red hair dryer. Do you have one?
- Yes, she does. - Thank you.
- Do you smoke, Mandy? - No. Not since high school.
How very healthy.
Did you go to school here? Hope High or something?
- Hope Regional. - Regional.
It's over there. You can't see it from here.
You seem like a nice person.
- Not really. - She's an angel!
Colin wouldn't be with anyone who wasn't nice.
- I'm sure you're very nice too. - Yes, I'm sure we're all delightful people.
I do feel at a slight disadvantage,
knowing only the way to your old school and the colour of your hair dryer,
whilst presumably you know rather more about me.
- Colin must have talked about me. - We talk about other things.
- Like what? - Normal things that people talk about.
- Like the weather? - We've talked about the weather.
What sort of day it is? Whether it's warm or cold?
Yeah, or windy.
- Or raining. - Or snowing.
- Has it snowed? - Not yet.
Oh, I see. You were just rehearsing for a future conversation.
- Aren't you holding up traffic? - Is this where you work?
- "Whining Whores". - Shining Shores.
Right.
Come on, Mandy. He must have said something about his life back in England.
- Barely anything. - Then you don't know about...
- About what? - The operation.
What operation?
Has Colin not mentioned his father?
Presumably Colin hasn't told you because he is blocking it out.
That's why he's staying up here. He's living in a sort of dream world, drawing away.
Beautiful scenery. Beautiful company.
Meanwhile, back on Planet England,
doctors and hospitals and constant worry,
and a very, very sick father.
It's why I'm still here.
Someone has to bring him back to his senses, back to his responsibilities,
back home.
The truth is, the longer he stays, hiding away from it all,
the less likely he is to ever see his dad again.
You're very nice, I'm sure, but you're not exactly helping.
I'm sorry if that came out...
You couldn't do me a favour, could you? Just a little one.
I don't want you to feel like an errand girl, so please say if you'd rather not, but...
I was going to drop these off myself, but as you're probably going over there anyway...
You sure you don't mind?
It's just the other morning I noticed he didn't put any on.
It'd be great if you'd give them to him.
I'll see you, Mandy.
Hello?
Hi. It's me.
- It's Colin. - What do you want?
You asked me over.
Are you gonna come in or are you just gonna stand there?
It's my apartment. I can stand where I want in my apartment.
I've never seen one of these. May I sit in it?
- If you have to. - I suppose the idea is you just
sort of lower yourself?
Don't be an idiot, Colin. I'm sure you've sat in one of those before.
I've done many disreputable things,
but lying about sitting in butterfly chairs is lower than even I would go.
Though this is probably the lowest I've been.
These are for you.
- That's very nice of you. Thank you. - Don't thank me. Thank Vera.
- You bumped into Vera? - Yesterday.
She said you needed those cos she said she saw you without them.
No, that was when she arrived. I'd been in the shower.
Colin, you've been cheating on me. And worse, you've been using me.
What has she told you?
- I thought we had something special. - We do.
But you never mentioned the things that matter to you.
Do you know how much that hurts me, to realise how little I mean to you?
It was all just a way for you to take your mind off what was going on in England.
- And what is going on in England? - Your father's surgery.
Vera told you about my father's operation? Did she tell you what it was for?
She couldn't bring herself to go into much detail.
No. That's understandable.
- Shall I tell you? - It's too late.
No, I want to tell you. It started last year when my parents were moving house.
They hired a removals company to shift most of the furniture.
Beds, sofas, and so forth.
Some of the smaller stuff - the odd chair, paintings - they moved themselves.
My father was carrying this chair up the stairs in the new house when...
- It's OK. - It was a very heavy wooden chair and...
- You don't have to tell me. - No, it's all right. It helps to talk about it.
As he was going up the stairs with this chair, he dropped it,
and it landed on his foot.
It was all forgotten until a few weeks later when suddenly his big toe started...
curling in.
For months my mother tried to get him to see somebody,
until finally, as a treat on her birthday, he did.
And do you know what the shocking diagnosis was, Mandy?
Ingrown toenail! Naturally we were all devastated.
His chances of recovery are pretty good.
It's somebody else whose chances of survival have just plummeted to zero.
Perhaps you can understand now why I kept it from you for so long.
Hello?
- Mandy, is Colin with you? - Yeah, he is.
- There's a Vera Edwards on the line. - Put her through.
It's your friend.
- Hello, Vera. Have a good flight back? - I need to talk to you, face to face.
- I won't be back in England until... - No, I'm still here in Hope.
I'm not going back until you come with me.
Meet me tomorrow at the golf course. Three o'clock.
Yeah, great. That's great.
Well, say hello to everybody back there.
What's the weather like over there?
Good. And I'll do it... OK. Bye, then.
So, you like butterflies, then.
I'm not going back until you come with me.
Why are you still here? And why meet on a golf course?
Cos I can't have this conversation without having a cigarette,
and this is apparently the only place in the United States where I can smoke.
- You got your knickers all right, then? - Oh, yes. Thank you very much.
- And you got my fax? - Yes. I was very touched.
Just not enough to do anything about it.
I presume your friend told you about the chat we had the other day.
Yes, the one about our continuing sex life and my father's life-threatening operation.
Vee, will you just light that cigarette so we can get whatever this is over with?
She seems like a very sweet person, Mandy.
- She's so vivacious and bubbly and fun. - So you think she's stupid.
I can see how you might be charmed by her childlike spiritual innocence.
Is it Mandy with a y. Or Mandi with an i with a little circle above it?
Let me tell you something.
If you're going to tell me she's Mensa material, I'll have to get more cigarettes.
Is that her long-term career, washing old people's bottoms?
Which is better? That, or choosing photos for your vacuous fashion magazine?
- Can I get back to you on that one? - I've had enough. I'm off.
Colin, wait. Don't go. Come back.
Vera, would you just tell me what you brought me out here to say?
I love you, and I want you to stop this nonsense and come back home.
- What is that? - A cigarette. Step any closer and you die.
- You can't smoke here. - You can. My friend read the rules.
- Fiancée. - As long as it doesn't bother... Ex-fiancée.
You can't have read the rule that says
when you're on the golf course you play golf.
And you don't seem to be playing golf.
- You have no clubs. - They were dangerous.
- The rules clearly state... - Look! My friend and I...
- Fiancée. - We just needed to have a private talk.
We have some personal problems.
Quite by chance we find ourselves on this beautiful course
as we try to work through these difficult issues.
- You're right! - Colin, calm down.
This is not the place to try to come to grips with private matters.
If we have impacted negatively on your enjoyment of the third hole, I apologise!
My hysterical ex-fiancée here is just on her way to the airport,
so your enjoyment of the rest of the course will be just as it should be!
- Have a pleasant flight! - Colin!
Colin, it's just a midlife crisis! You'll get over it!
I hope this one's better than the last one.
- Martha, it looked good last time. - I'm not talking about my hair.
- I'm talking about your boyfriend. - What do you know about the last one?
I could tell from the start it wasn't gonna work.
You approached it in completely the wrong way.
- You never even met him. - I'm talking about my hair. Do keep up.
Anyway, you never know. This may be your last chance.
- Martha, you're not going anywhere. - I know I'm not. But he may be.
- Thank you. - You're welcome.
Thanks.
Do you ever think about my going back to England?
- No. - No?
I have a few other things going on in my life besides you, you know.
- I think about going back. - You have to make a reservation and stuff.
I don't want to go back.
- Why not? - Why do you think?
- You like America? - Yes.
- That's not the reason. It's something else. - Our delicious hamburgers?
No, no. It's not the hamburgers.
- Our humble, friendly ways? - Not the humble, friendly ways.
Why are you bringing up all this shit? To torture me?
I'm bringing it up because I don't want to go back alone.
- You want someone to go with you? - Yes.
But only if they want to. I wouldn't kidnap them.
I would, but the airlines have got rather strict on hand luggage lately.
If force wasn't an issue and the person wanted to come of their own free will,
you'd want them to go with you?
If they weren't too busy with all the many other things in their hectic life, yes.
I'm sure, if they tried very hard, they could find some time to fit you in their schedule.
Oh, really?
- What's up? - See the woman by the pool?
- Jesus! What does she think she's doin'? - No, not the cigarettes, Fisher.
That's Vera. She's back again looking for Colin.
It's really none of our business.
Fisher, even you must have noticed
that Anglo-American relations are reaching an all-time high in room 11, right?
I heard the headboard, yes, Joanie.
So when Mandy comes tootling back to Colin's room with this week's groceries,
and when there's blood in the pool,
and when there's yellow police tape wrapped around the entire motel,
and when we're on the front page of the Hope Herald.
Maybe then you might think it's some of our business.
Just go get rid of her.
I'm afraid this is a no-smokin' area.
What, America?
I'm Fisher, the co-manager.
Oh, does it take more than one person to run this place?
So, you're here in America on your own, then?
- Excuse me? - You...
- You didn't come here with someone else? - No, I came on my own.
- I'll take your word for it. - Sorry?
- If you say so. - Who else...?
I don't know who else you might have brought along.
A certain swami, maybe? Who knows?
I'm afraid you're gonna have to vacate this area.
- We've had trouble with your kind before. - What?
Besides, we have a maple syrup convention comin' at three, so...
Immediately. Please.
Well, you can tell him I'll keep coming around until he sees me.
- It was nice of you to come over. - Like I had an option.
Vera, this has got to stop. You shouldn't be in America and I shouldn't be in your room.
I feel like I'm being stalked. You'll be boiling rabbits next.
Can we please just stop playing games, just get back to the way we were?
Let's get in my car and drive to New York and jump on the first plane to London.
- Let's just go home. - We've become so stale.
Being with Mandy has taught me something.
You learned something from Mandy?
We haven't been like lovers for years, you and I. More like brother and sister.
- We're more than just a couple. We're... - An institution. Exactly!
Inextricably linked, like Marks & Spencer, or bacon and eggs,
or foot-and-bloody-mouth.
We've just been treading water for years, and it's no good. Life's too short for that.
And I'm not saying I never want to see you again. I'd hate to think...
You know that bit in your fax, about the "plateau of mutual affection" we've found?
Exactly. We can stay friends.
- That mustn't be cheapened. - Precisely.
Oh, God.
I want to cheapen it. I mean, really cheapen it.
Vera, no. This is not on. It's not on.
I promise you'll find something in your life, like I found in mine - something exciting.
Like Venice? You remember Venice, Colin.
Vee, I can't be any clearer on where we stand.
I'm not leaving until... No, I am leaving, very soon.
When did you buy this?
Vera, honestly, no, I'm totally unshakeable on this.
I can feel your resolve stiffening.
This seems the right sort of spectacularly memorable moment
- in which to finally say goodbye. - Colin, don't.
Bye, Vera.
- I'm not going. - No. Vera... Vera...
Bye. Bye, Vee.
Hi.
He's not here yet, the vicar?
No, he's not here. There's no portrait. I just wanted to talk to you.
In church?
I figured it's the only place we wouldn't end up having sex.
Have you talked to Vera lately?
Vera?
Oh, you mean since the phone call?
Because I think I must be having a problem with my ears and my eyes.
- Sorry? - When you talked to her on the phone,
didn't you ask her what the weather was like in London?
- Yes. - Good. Then my ears are OK.
But that must mean my eye problem is really serious,
cos last night I drove past the lvy and there were all these fire engines and people.
And maybe it's myopia, but I could have sworn I saw Vera there.
But she was in England giving you the weather report.
I thought I saw you too. It looked like you had your tongue down each other's throats.
But that can't be right because, according to you, that relationship is over
and I'm the only one for you.
But the bad part that makes me think I should run to the eye doctor right away
is that it looked to me like she was totally butt-naked.
- She had underwear on. - Good.
Then there's nothing for me to worry about.
I'm sorry, Mandy. I should have told you. I just can't shake her off.
I went there specifically to tell her it was all over. She set the fire alarm off.
- The sex was that good? - No, there was no sex.
You were telling her it was over, she took her clothes off and the fire alarm went off?
Actually, that's pretty much exactly how it happened, yeah.
Well, have a good trip back, Colin.
Do you have a passport?
No.
- Don't you think it might come in handy? - I don't want one, OK?
What would make you apply for one?
What part of "I don't want one" don't you understand?
- Having a passport... - Bye, Colin.
I love you, Mandy.
- There is one thing. - One thing what?
If you promise that you'll never come here again
and that you'll never call me or write me or try to see me,
ever,
then I'll go to the town hall and, if it seems so important to you, I'll get a passport.
Do you understand?
You'll only get a passport if we never see each other again.
Goodbye, Colin.
But if we never see or talk to each other again,
how will I know you've sent for a passport?
You'll just have to trust me.
- Goodbye for ever, then. - Don't make a joke of it.
Just plain goodbye, then.
So, these'll be for your "lmages of Hope" exhibition, right?
We liked that, didn't we, Harold?
"Birthplace of American Art."
And how's young Mandy?
We don't see much of her since that fiancée of yours came to town.
Settin' off the hotel sprinklers.
Do you know what colour underwear I have on today?
Just in case you need to spread the word.
Word is, you don't wear no underwear.
It's uncanny.
Funny and serious, all at once.
Brash, with just a hint of impishness.
Pulsating with youthful energy, while at the same time
exuding a passionate sense of civic pride.
Doug, you did say something, didn't you, about the key to the city and all that?
- Anything I want? - Anything.
Anything you want. Doug Reed's word is his bond.
You just ask and you shall have it.
Shrewd judge of human nature that I am,
I sense we're about to have revealed here
the dark side of Mr Colin Ware.
Thanks for meeting me, Col. I have something to show you.
You won't believe it. This morning Doug called me into his office.
- Doug? - Doug Reed. The mayor.
- You told him all about me. - Yes, I think I did mention you in passing.
More than just in passing.
He knew my name was Edwards, he knew I'm half-Welsh, and he knew I was here.
Which is why he was so very excited. I've got to show you this.
This is my family tree
going back 300 years.
Doug found this website in Salt Lake City
that has the genealogy of everybody in the world.
You type in your credit-card details and up comes your family tree. It's amazing. Look.
Here I am - Vera Edwards.
And there is Alicia.
And then there's my dad. And there's the person he married.
- Your mother. - Right.
Then there's Grandma Edwards.
That's her maiden name, except they've spelt it wrong.
- No, they haven't. - Yes, they have. It's Kendal with one I.
Then you get up here. This is where it gets good.
Here is Godwyn Edwards and his wife, Abigail.
Do you know who those two people are? They're everywhere! Look!
Godwyn Edwards. And Abigail Edwards.
The people that founded Hope are my ancestors!
- Good heavens! - I know. I couldn't believe it. It's amazing.
But that's just the start.
- There's more? - Yes.
You know there's this annual Cannon Ball thing that happens on Saturday?
Apparently that's when they choose the new Queen of Hope.
Queen of Hope?
Doug chooses who will represent the town as its queen.
The ridiculous thing is, he thinks, because of my family history, I should apply.
- To be queen? - I know! It's preposterous, isn't it?
I mean, it's absurd, even for me. Isn't it?
- Is it? - I don't know, you see.
Is it something I should really contemplate doing?
I don't know. What does being Queen of Hope involve?
It's just a week of engagements and things like that.
And they want the queen to promote the new mineral water this year.
He wants to build a whole ad campaign around it. TV spots, public appearances.
- Her picture on the label. - Presumably you'd have a crown?
There's a whole special outfit. He showed me lots of old photographs.
- Of lots of old queens? - Of former incumbents.
I know we're having major differences, but I could really use your advice on this.
I can't do this.
- I can't go on with this. - Go on with what?
This. This joke. It's all a joke, Vera.
- What do you mean, a joke? - This is just a fake. I made it up.
The family-tree thing, anyway. The queen thing was a Doug Reed embellishment.
I was just so pissed off with you,
with all your tricks and the way you've been buggering things up for me.
That is so bloody typical of you.
You have never, ever, been able to share in my excitement about anything.
- It's a fake, Vera. - It is not a fake, Colin.
It is a fake. Look. "Kendall", even spelt wrong the way I spell it wrong.
I watched Doug log on and type in my details. I saw this being printed out.
I saw it with my own eyes!
Of course, because he loaded it all up in advance! I saw him with my own eyes!
Have you looked closely? Tom Jones is in there!
- Jones is a very common Welsh name. - Yes, but married to a Catherine Zeta?
I bet you and Mandy had a right giggle about this.
We're not together any more.
- Really? - Really.
It's all over?
Yeah.
You're still not coming home with me, though, are you?
No.
Sorry, ma'am, there's no smoking.
Are you two finished?
You know, I do believe we are.
I'll be right back with your check, then.
What are you going to do now, then?
Be Queen of Hope?
Colin Ware! Two words!
Two words I have for you, Colin Ware: Class act.
I know history has witnessed a long line of lunacy from your small island shores,
but for a man of your apparent intelligence to relinquish from his emotional grasp
that shimmering angel of sensual splendour...
You seem very smitten.
You're taking off? You're not hanging around for the biggest bang of the year?
Not the biggest bang of your year, from what I understand.
It's been very, very nice to meet you, Doug. Thank you for everything.
No, thank you, Colin! Thank you!
Thanks to you, that terrible, wondrous thing
that poets have sung about down through the ages
has finally found its way into the lonely heart of Douglas Elmore Reed!
And now, please welcome Mayor Doug Reed!
Thank you very much.
And now,
as is our great and cherished tradition,
we get the annual Cannon Ball rolling
with the introduction of the new Queen of Hope!
Help me welcome her. Raise your glasses for the new Queen of Hope,
Miss Vera Edwards!
Man the phones, Fisher!
Look, I got this fax from Colin, from the airport.
- Is it for me? - For you?
When you make a guy promise never to get in touch,
they can make the wild assumption that you don't want them ever to get in touch.
Sorry, honey. But did Colin ever mention his cousin, Cheswick, over in Ohio?
Colin arranged for this guy to visit, then forgot to cancel it before he flew off.
He's faxed me asking me if I would meet this guy
at the gardens where they had arranged to meet - now.
And I've got to set up the barbecue at the inn, and the rooms need doing and...
- So you want me to go. - A free Filet-o-Fisher tonight.
Excuse me. Are you Mandy?
You must be Cheswick.
Yes. That's right.
Pleased to meet you.
I guess you got to know my cousin Colin pretty well when he was up here.
He's an odd chap, didn't you find?
He's very odd.
Colin told me he promised never to contact you. Something about a passport?
He didn't think it'd break the rules if I spoke to you.
But he didn't warn me about your bizarre dress sense.
Do you want to sit down for a minute?
Did Colin tell you about my hobby?
Colin, at first this Cheswick stuff was really funny, but now it's just irritating.
He didn't tell you about my hobby?
No, Cheswick. What is your hobby?
I collect jewellery.
Can I show you an example?
I picked this up in a store in Columbus the other day.
It's just a little gold ring with a thing on it.
I think it's a moth.
Is this a friendship ring or something?
The chap in the store said that it was an engagement ring, which surprised me.
I thought engagement rings were silverish, with a diamond.
But no. Apparently they can be any way you want them.
There's one disappointing thing.
On the bus coming up here, I took it out to look at it, and I noticed it's second-hand.
Underneath, there's a little heart and two names, presumably the previous owners.
It's very small but you can just about make them out - I forget the names.
Mandy?
Perhaps you should take this off.
- Mandy, can you speak? - I'm sorry. You can put me down now.
- No, I want to carry you. - No, really. I can walk.
- I want to carry you. - I want to walk.
Mandy, I'm experiencing an atavistic urge right now to carry you, OK?
- Where is the car? - At home. Why? Where are we going?
- I checked back in at the inn. - You can't carry me all the way back there.
Please don't interfere. My manhood is crying out to meet this supreme challenge.
Good afternoon, Mrs Peterson, Mr Peterson!
Just keeping you up to date on things!
- Sorry if this seems a bit primitive. - Primitive's fine.
- But don't throw your back out, OK? - I have a back of iron.
I must be getting too heavy now.
Yeah, but we're building a memory here.
Hey, Fisher!
- Well? - They're engaged.
- Are you serious? - They just did it.
Why was he carrying her down the highway?
It's a custom over there, where Colin comes from.
- To carry people down the highway? - Highway, roadway, whatever.
It's from an ancient druid ritual, Joanie.
They carry their intended down a long path
as a symbolic way of embarkin' upon the life ahead of 'em.
I guess it's true about how far behind the rest of the world the English are.
- Non-innocent kind? - Non-innocent kind.
Lord only knows what they get up to now.
Oh, God!